My Brain On Me

I wrote this out of sheer frustration just now; no idea what to do with it, probably shouldn’t post it, but you know what, fuck it. My brain is like this all the time. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. I wish it was quieter in here.

(I added gifs to break up the tedium of text. Because while maybe not mentioned, I am always picturing gifs.)

You wake up to your alarm.

Your dreams were wild, as usual (you were Venom seeing The Avengers in a theater, but then had to go steal and inflatable car to escape a horse ranch that was a front for time loop generating weapons used by bad guys).

You start humming your alarm sound (just in your head) five minutes after you turned off the app on your phone. You start getting ready for work. Forget your phone in the bathroom.

gif of Homer Simpson getting a pot of coffee poured into his mouth

Dig through the clean, unsorted laundry that has been in this basket for a week. Try to remember where you put your belt. Check your phone for any texts. Get distracted putting on socks by playing Pokemon GO. Cat needs food, so you escort him downstairs. Forgot your glasses upstairs. Grab those. Where are the keys? Should probably eat a snack before leaving. Open the fridge. Forget what you were looking for. Still mentally looping the alarm sounds from earlier, annoyed at yourself for that. Try to think of a different sound. Random pop song comes on in the radio station installed in your brain. You HATE this song. Fuck. Oh, right, you need to go to work.

Find your keys. Put on your jacket. Get out the door only to realize you forgot your mask (again). Go back inside. Pet the cat. Find your mask. Get in the car. Forgot you were going to eat a snack. Too late now, you’re already running behind. Maybe coffee? But that will make you later. But you really want it.

You put on an audiobook (this one is about the history of beer) because it’s both background noise and also allows just enough focus so you process the information while not being distracted driving. You remember you were going to get coffee as you pass a sign on the highway. Welp, you may have time after you get to work.

a small penguin with a hat and briefcase walking fast

Park in the ramp, put your keys in your pocket. Immediately check your pocket because what if you forgot to put the keys in there? Nope, you’re good. Head into work. Goddamn pop songs on the overhead speakers in the lobby. Now that one about “fight song, take back my life song” is stuck in your head. Get to the office. Log into work computer. Still want coffee. Check the time. Okay, not bad. Check your phone. Ooh, you should spin the nearby Pokestop. Oh, and feed your buddy some berries. Crap, you need to go check on a room set-up. Okay, after this, seriously, coffee.

Randomly start playing the piano version of “Mein Herz Brennt” in your head. Thinking about emails you need to reply to. Oh, and you should probably check Slack. Also Twitter.

Get coffee (finally). See the snow outside. Reminded that you want to finish watching that episode of The Good Place. Maybe on lunch break. Food sounds good. You were going to get a snack. Sip some coffee. The noise levels in your head drop a couple notches when the caffeine hits. Ahh.

gif of The Good Place where Elenor sees the green text on the wall stating “Welcome! Everything is fine.”

Back in the office. Need to clean your glasses. Forgot where you put the case with lens cloth. Oh! Need to print some documents for an apt later. Thirsty, go get some water. Realize toes of work shoes are worn. That reminds you, expense reports are due. Oh, and you should probably look into getting new shoes.

Remember those dreams? Haha, those were wild. Makes you long to write some fiction. After work. The news is on in the break room (while you fill up your water cup). So depressing. Log into Twitter on your phone. GOD, even more depressing. Switch to Pokemon GO again. Ooh, a cute owl-thing!

Go back to the office. Forget you were in the middle of catching a Pokemon as you check your work email. Respond to one email. Clean up the inbox. Gotta do the daily tasks.

Oh, right, your glasses case is in your backpack. Still have that dumb pop song from earlier in your head. Try to drown it out with playlist songs on the laptop. Click through half a dozen songs before you play one. Really should clean up this playlist sometime.

a woman saying “…and it’s only noon.”

Did you reset the office wall clock? Gotta do that. Ooh, right, need to make sure there are printouts of diagrams for set-up later. Coworker tells you about this cool plugin; spend five minutes watching videos about it, it’s super cool.

Back to work. Breakfast? You’re hungry now. The caffeine has kicked in so you feel calmer, more relaxed and focused. Randomly remember you need an oil change. Get random lines from Peacemaker stuck in your head (the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid exchange). Spend a solid three minutes looping it while trying to remember what it’s FROM.

Close out the tabs for Waves Clarity VX (so cool). Organize the pens on your desk. Throw away some scrap paper. Need to clean out this stainless steel tumbler that has been on the desk for awhile. Got to remember to take it home and wash it. Actually, should go get more water first. (Paper cup.)

Food sounds really good. Gotta check an email. Nothing new. Okay, well, “Mein Herz Brennt” is still going (in your head). Love this version. Remember you got tickets to see Rammstein this summer. Got to put in the time off request for the next day.

It’s only 9:30am. You’ve been up since 5:30am. Still haven’t completed these work tasks that take, like, a minute. After food. Oh, got to remember to text your roommate about lunch plans. And got to clean the cat’s litter box when you get home.

Look at cat pics on your phone. Ooh, your buddy found a candy in Pokemon GO! Still not food. Maybe skip breakfast? Nah, then it will be harder to focus. Have the alarm sounds from this morning repeating in your head now. Dammit. Okay, turn on some music. That reminds you, you need to check the schedule to make sure you correctly updated everything for this week.

Oh snap, gotta do a couple tasks for secondary job. Really want to write today. Should finish reading this great non-fiction book too. Although playing Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla when you get home is a lot more tempting. But first the cat litter. When you get home. Should probably get food.

Maybe more caffeine? It’s a Monday. Lack of sleep, DST bullshit. Totally justified.

Check twitter. Close twitter. Immediately open it up again. Close it. Check slack. Close it. Check email on your phone. Nothing new in the last thirty seconds. Thinking about clowns. IT Chapter 2 is back on HBO Max, maybe you’ll finish watching it. You should get a new planner. Work email is still quiet. Reminder to self: need to get a new key made, ask engineering to put in request.

Look at this braindump. WTF, right? How did you write this much in like 15 minutes? Time is weird. “Mein Herz Brennt” still in your head. Better than pop music. Gotta stop. Food is calling. It’s 9:38. You’re here until 2pm. Want a nap already. Maybe more caffeine.

gif of man hammering shelled peanuts on a table, with text “this is your brain”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF EVERY DAY. The details (the noise) changes. The chaos doesn’t. It’s so loud. Even when you sleep. You gotta keep moving to get some quiet. Doesn’t always work.

Okay, going to get food now, for real. And also more coffee.

Update, I did get food. ^-^ And coffee.

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